NEVER Misread Hieroglyphics
by justplainrii
Summary: [dropped] Marik makes a horrid mistake trying out a new spell after the Battle City tournament, and things go HORRIBLY wrong.  NEVER misread hieroglyphics...you never know who's body you'll wind up in.
1. NEVER misread Hieroglyphics

DISCLAIMER 

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.  
Who do you think I am?  
If I was Kazuki Takahashi, I'd be making comics, not writing fanfiction!  
XP

On with the tale!

-

- Chapter 1 -  
NEVER Misread Heiroglyphics

Marik Ishtar sat at the altar of a strange new temple he had found in the catacombs of the Pharaoh's tomb, muttering in a language incomprehensible to anyone unfamiliar with ancient Egyptian magic. Suddenly, he stopped. Someone was watching him.  
"Brother, what are you doing?"  
"Ah! Sister!" he sighed. It was only Ishizu. "Look! I found something wonderful!"  
Ishizu walked over to him, and peered at the hieroglyphics carved on the wall above him.  
"What's this?" she asked, trying to read the badly weathered writing.  
"It's a spell, I think," said Marik excitedly. "I can barely read it, but it seems like white magic."  
"Use this...spell to bring...your friends...closer to you...and...see them...in a...new...light," Ishizu translated. "Seems harmless enough, but I don't know... Are you trying to cast it?"  
Marik nodded.  
"I'm just about to finish; want to watch?"  
"Sure, why not?" said Ishizu, and leaned against a pillar, watching her younger brother work.  
"Umm...skurta khalis forma igma...SWITCHEROO?"  
"Wha?" began Ishizu, but was stopped before she could finish by a flash of blinding light.  
The last thing she remembered was thinking that she may have misread the spell, then blackness.  
But what was to happen was more horrifying than she had imagined.


	2. Life as a Midget

- Chapter 2 - Life as a Midget 

Seto Kaiba woke up sleepy, content, and ready to make some money. It was a fine summer day, and he felt nothing could go wrong. But that all changed. Very quickly too, as a matter of fact.  
'Good morning, Yugi! How did you sleep?'  
Bolting upright, he looked around in confusion at where the voice had come from, and found that he was not in his room. The place was very childishly decorated, with small boxes that used to contain model kits strewn on the floor.  
"Who is it? Who's there!" he demanded, then grabbed his throat. "Wha-what's wrong with my voice!"  
'Yugi, what's the matter?' said the voice again.  
"Ahhh!" Kaiba screamed, and grabbed at his pajamas. "These...these aren't mine!"  
He touched his head, and was met with several jagged strands of gold.  
"OH MY GODDDDD!" he screamed again, and looked around frantically for a mirror. When he caught his reflection, he just about fainted from shock.  
The face looking back at him was none other than...Yugi Moto's.  
"I'm going crazy, I'm going insane," he started muttering to himself. "I'm not Yugi! This is all some bad dream, that's right. I just have to wake up, and it will all go away, just like that!"  
'Yugi, are you okay?' said the voice again.  
"And that voice! You're not real! This is all just a dream!" said Kaiba, pulling back his sleeve and reaching for a large patch of bare skin. "I'm going to wake up now, and you can't stop me!"  
But to his horror and dismay, no matter how hard he pinched himself, he did not wake up.  
'Yugi, what's wrong with you?' said the voice, this time more urgently. 'You aren't being yourself!'  
"MARIK, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"  
The loud yell of an old man coming from downstairs echoed in the room for a few awkward moments. Then, the sound of footsteps came frantically pounding up to Yugi's room.  
The door slammed open, and Solomon Moto stood there, panting and out of breath, his eyes staring straight at Kaiba.  
"Pharaoh! Are you unnaffected?" he said, going over to Kaiba, a crazy look in his eye.  
"Pharaoh?" said Kaiba confusedly, before realizing something. "Wait a second, you aren't Yugi's grandpa, are you?"  
"No, I'm not," said Solomon (or whoever was inhabiting his body). "And obviously, you are not Yugi. Who are you?"  
"Kaiba," said Kaiba. "Seto Kaiba."  
"Oh dear god," said Solomon. "Ra help me; I'm in a huge load of trouble..."  
"Wait a second, just what in the world is going on?" Kaiba demanded.  
"You probably remember me as Ishizu," said Solomon. "But right now, I'm in the body of this...old man..."  
"Ishizu?" said Kaiba skeptically. "I don't believe you."  
"You should, Kaiba," said Solomon/Ishizu. "How else would you explain being in this body?"  
'She's right, you know,' said the voice.  
"ARGHH!" Kaiba cried. "Get out of my head! Now!"  
'Only trying to help,' said the voice. 'May I have control?'  
"No, you may not!" said Kaiba annoyedly. "I have no idea who you are, but GET OUT OF MY HEAD, NOWWW!"  
"Listen, Kaiba," said Solomon/Ishizu, seemingly unaware of Kaiba's little outburst. "Do you know the phone number of your personal desk?"  
"Yeah..." said Kaiba.  
"Try giving a call to your office; we'll see who's where and what's going on. We really need to regroup and see what's going on."  
"Ah, so you're going to see who's impersonating me?"  
"Not exactly, but I guess you could think of it like that."  
"I'd hate to say it, but it's not a half-bad idea," said Kaiba, a wry smile crossing his face. "I guess we could give it a try,"

-

"Hello, is Kaiba-sama there?" said Kaiba, trying hard to sound cheerful and more like Yugi. "This is Yugi Moto; it's very urgent."  
"Yes, he is, but I'm afraid he's not feeling himself this morning. He's locked himself in his room," said the man on the other line. "Shall I leave a message for him, Moto-san?"  
"Try to get him on the phone, please," said Kaiba, trying to be polite and sound as much like Yugi as possible. "I'm sure he'll answer it for me."  
"Yes, sir," said the man, and a with a small click, the line was switched.  
"H-hello?" said the voice of Kaiba on the other line. "Yugi, is that you?"  
"No, it isn't," said Kaiba, reverting to his cold, serious way of speech. "This is the real Kaiba speaking. Who are you?"  
"Yugi...?" said Kaiba's voice.  
"I SAID I'M NOT YUGI!" said Kaiba, and soon found himself shoved off the phone by Solomon/Ishizu.  
"Whoever you are, I'm here to tell you that there's been a terrible mishap. I know you aren't Kaiba, but you are inhabiting his body. We need to figure out what happened, so please tell me who you are."  
"Oh my god...so I'm not crazy," said the voice. "This is Tea, Tea Gardner."  
"Gardner?" said Kaiba, who had put the conversation on speakerphone. "You mean that wimpy chick who hung out with Yugi all the time?"  
The voice in his head growled at him, as did his voice on the other line.  
"Kaiba, shut up."  
"Please, continue, dear. What happened this morning?" said Solomon/Ishizu.  
"Well...I just woke up and I was like this!" Kaiba/Tea replied. "What happened?"  
"I'm not quite sure, dear. In the meantime, we need to make a stop where you are and have a meeting."  
"What about Mokuba!" Kaiba suddenly burst. "Is he all right?"  
"Whoever he is," said Kaiba/Tea. "He's still in his room, sawing logs"  
Kaiba cursed under his breath.  
"Well, if he wakes up, try and find out who he is, all right?" said Solomon/Ishizu.  
"Okay," said Kaiba/Tea. "I'll make sure you guys can get in. See you later."  
The line clicked and the dial tone was heard.  
"So...who's driving?" Kaiba said bitterly.

-

Reaching the gates of the Kaiba Corporation headquarters, (after Yugi/Kaiba got the hang of driving with such short legs), Yugi/Kaiba and Solomon/Ishizu were greeted warmly by the Suits and taken to Kaiba's room.  
Kaiba/Tea was sitting on the bed, anxiously looking out the window, brown hair scraggly and wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with a Blue-Eyes White Dragon print on them. Yugi/Kaiba blushed, seeing himself so unkempt.  
"Oh! Thank god you're here!" said Kaiba/Tea, running across the room to them, then laughing, seeing Yugi/Kaiba scowling hard, his face bright red.  
"Enough laughter, Tea." said Solomon/Ishizu firmly. "Did you check Mokuba's room?"  
"No, I couldn't find it..." Kaiba/Tea admitted sheepishly. "Yugi, I mean, Kaiba, you wanna do it?"  
"I suppose," said Kaiba, and turned to the hallway in the direction of Mokuba's room. Opening the door, the brightly painted child's room seemed a stark contrast to the sleek refinery of Kaiba's room. Yugi/Kaiba quietly tiptoed across the room to the bed, where Mokuba was sleeping. Solomon/Ishizu and Kaiba/Tea watched silently.  
"Little brother? Little brother..?" he said softly, in a tone full of compassion never heard before in someone like Kaiba. "It's time to get up, sleepy-head!"  
Mokuba's eyes slowly opened. "Mmmm...breakfast already?" he said, a thick New-Yorker-style accent in his voice. "Wha? Yuge? What are you doin' here? We weren't at a sleepova!"  
"Wheeler?" said Yugi/Kaiba, shocked.  
"Hey...you never call me 'Wheeler', Yuge," said Mokuba, sitting up. "And since when were we the same height?"  
"Joey? Is that you?" said Kaiba/Tea.  
"Kaiba? Solomon?" said Mokuba/Joey. "What the heck is going on here?"  
"We have a _lot_ of explaining to do..." said Solomon/Ishizu, holding his head in his hand.


	3. Breakfast With the Enemy

Chapter 3 - Breakfast with the Enemy - 

"So basically, you're saying that we switched bodies with someone, somehow?" Mokuba/Joey ended, after hearing the strange explanation given to him by Solomon/Ishizu. "And Marik's the one behind it all, right?"  
Solomon/Ishizu nodded twice.  
"Yes. Unfortunately, yes..." Yugi/Kaiba sighed, rubbing his temple; hearing his brother speak with that hideous accent was far too much for him to bear.  
"Yeah. And obviously, it's not gonna be that simple to get everyone together again," said Kaiba/Tea. "'Cause obviously, I'm in Kaiba's body, and not Yugi. So...we can't just simply check back with 'ourselves' that easily."  
Solomon/Ishizu nodded.  
"Yes, and it's bound to become more confusing as we find everyone. Joey, how about you call your house and see who wound up in your body?"  
Suddenly, Mokuba/Joey's eyes grew wide.  
"Oh my god...some freaky perv like Tristan might have ended up in my sister! We gotta MOVE!"  
"I...guess that's...motivation..." said Kaiba/Tea softly.

-

Within minutes, they had made it to the Wheeler household, courtesy of Kaiba/Tea after a little scripting from Yugi/Kaiba. Joey had recently moved to a nice house with his sister, after paying for her surgery with the money won from the Duelist Kingdom tournament; it was a nice, obvious change from the dump of an apartment he used to live in, plus he could be with his sister at all times. Marching up to the door, Mokuba/Joey rang the doorbell and waited at the stoop, steaming in his little 8-year-old body, not even noticing that he was alone for a little less than a minute. Finally, his face turned up on the screen, rather bedraggled and tired-looking.  
But it was when he spoke that everyone was shocked.  
"Hullo?"  
Yes, Joey now spoke with an undeniable, proper, british accent.  
"Whadya mean, 'hullo'?" Mokuba/Joey screamed. "Who the heck are you?"  
"My goodness, am I not the only one?" said Joey. "Who are you?"  
"It's Joey..." Mokuba/Joey growled.  
"Joey? My goodness!" said the other Joey. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"  
"Yes, we do," said Solomon/Ishizu, pushing his way to the front. "Mind letting us in and introducing yourself?"  
"Oh, yes!" said Joey. "It's Bakura. I'll let you in right away."  
"Bakura?" said Mokuba/Joey disbelivingly as the door opened. "Holy crap!"  
"Quite a shock, I must agree..." said Joey/Bakura, who was still in his pajamas. "Please, come on in!"  
Crowding into the foyer, several pairs of shoes were taken off as Joey/Bakura made his way into the kitchen.  
"I've just made some tea; poor Serenity isn't saying anything, so I thought it would cheer her up."  
"This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen..." said Yugi/Kaiba, scowling as they passed into the kitchen.  
Serenity was sitting in the chair, running her hand through her long red hair, murmuring over and over again:  
"I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..."  
"Here you go, dear," said Joey/Bakura. "You're going to be fine; we have friends here."  
Serenity looked up at the people looking at her, then began to cry again.  
"I'M SO SORRYYY!" she cried, her tears streaming down her face. "I JUST WANT TO GO HOOOOME! PLEEEAAAAASE FORGIVE MEEEE!"  
"Wait a minute..." said Solomon/Ishizu. "Marik, is that you?"  
Serenity gulped and nodded.  
"Uh-huh... I'm so sorry..."  
"WHAT THE HECK?" screamed Mokuba/Joey. "WHY IN THE HECK IS MARIK IN MY SISTER'S BODY?"  
"I...I...I...I'M SO SORRYYY!" Serenity/Marik cried again, putting her face in her hands.  
"Now, now, little brother..." said Solomon/Ishizu, patting her brother on the back. "It's all right; Big Sister is here..."  
"I..Ishizu?" Serenity/Marik said, looking up. Solomon/Ishizu nodded.  
"Yes, unfortunately..." he replied. "You've gotten us in a fine mess, Marik..."  
"Wahhh..." Marik cried. "I..I'm so sorry...all of you..."  
"Now, now," Kaiba/Tea said. "I'm sure that we can fix this...right...?"  
"Well...I'm not sure..." said Solomon/Ishizu. "First of all...we should regroup and make sure we know who's who...then we'll have to go to Egypt and look up that spell again."  
"Oh goody..." said Yugi/Kaiba (doing a wonderful imitation of Scar from Lion King).  
'Watch your mouth, Kaiba,' said the voice. 'If we're going to share this body, even if for a short while, you should have a good attitude, at least...'  
"AGHH!" Yugi/Kaiba screamed. "STOP IT NOWW!"  
"What's up with him?" said Mokuba/Joey.  
"The pharaoh?" guessed Serenity/Marik. Everyone except Mokuba/Joey and Joey/Bakura nodded.  
"First thing we should do is...check with the people whose body we inhabit..." said Solomon/Ishizu, thinking over the situation. "Then...it'll simply be a process of elimination for the three who are in Marik and Odion's body, as well as mine. It'll be simple enough, I guess."  
Just then, the phone rang.  
"I'll get it!" Mokuba/Joey called, running for it. "Hello? Wheeler residence!"  
"Hello?" said the voice on the other line; none other than Duke Devlin, sounding very meek and frightened. "Is my brother there? I'm scared!"  
"HOLY CRAP!" Mokuba/Joey screamed, and dropped the phone, promptly fainting.  
"Uck! Joey!" said Kaiba/Tea. "Jeeze! Hello? Is this Serenity?"  
"Yes!" said Duke/Serenity. "What's going on? I just woke up, and I was like this!"  
"Easy, Serenity. We're going to fix this. Just...get some clothes on and make your way over here; we're trying to figure out who's who. You're going to be fine, okay?" said Kaiba/Tea. "O...okay..." said Duke/Serenity. "Just...let Joey know that I'm fine; he's probably worried about me..."  
"All right, Serenity. I'll see you then," said Kaiba/Tea, and hung up. "Man, Joey! What in the world is wrong with you?"  
"He's just being himself..." Yugi/Kaiba sighed.  
"So...who was it?" asked Solomon/Ishizu.  
"Serenity; it seems that she's in Duke's body," sighed Kaiba/Tea. "She's coming over soon."  
"Ughhh...Serenity?" said Mokuba/Joey, coming to. "Where is she?"  
"In Duke's body..." sighed everyone else. Mokuba/Joey fainted again.  
"My goodness..." said Joey/Bakura.

-

"So..." said Joey/Bakura, after they all sat in silence after Duke/Serenity's arrival. "I...guess we should check at my place next. Shall we?"  
"I suppose we should," sighed Solomon/Ishizu. "However...Marik, you really should get some proper clothes on. We can't just lie about in our pajamas all day."  
"You idiot!" said Mokuba/Joey, trying to boot Solomon/Ishizu in the head. Unfortunately, his legs were far too short, and he ended up on the floor.  
"Idiot..." said Yugi/Kaiba with a smirk.  
"Grr...shaddap, Kaiba," said Mokuba/Joey. "What are ya thinkin', Ishizu? D'ya think I actually want someone like Marik to...you know...see my sister, up close and personal?"  
"Eww..." said Serenity/Marik, blushing furiously.  
"Well...I really don't mind..." said Duke/Serenity. "As long as he keeps my underwear on; it's what I did when I got dressed this morning..."  
"I...guess I could..." said Serenity/Marik.  
"I still don't trust 'im..." said Mokuba/Joey.  
"Oh come on!" said Solomon/Ishizu. "Can't you trust him?"  
Mokuba/Joey crossed his arms and shook his head. Kaiba/Tea sighed.  
"I'll help him," he offered. "Come on, Marik. Let's get this over with."  
"Nooo!" said Mokuba/Joey, clinging to Kaiba/Tea as he tried to make her way to Serenity's room.  
"Quit being such a baby! I'll make sure he doesn't do anything, jeeze!" he replied, prying him off his leg. "I said come on, Marik!"  
"I don't wanna wear a dress..." Serenity/Marik whined, following him to the room, and shutting the door behind her.


	4. Genius Hates Company

Chapter 4 - Genius Hates Company - 

"I guess I should be the next to call," said Joey/Bakura later that day, as they sat around in silence at the breakfast table. "Should I call my house?""I suppose it's the only thing we can do," Yugi/Kaiba replied, rubbing his head. "Go ahead, I don't care. The sooner we get this done, the better,"  
"All right, then," Joey/Bakura replied, smiling pleasantly. "My, my. I haven't had this much quiet in months!"  
Just about everyone cocked an eyebrow and said "HUH?"  
Bakura just smiled blithely and reached for the phone, dialing his number.  
"Hello, may I ask who's there?" he asked.  
"MAY I ASK WHO'S THERE?" came the very audible reply. "Oh my god, I've been waiting for a call all morning! Who the heck is this? It sounds like Joey, but I'm sure as heck it ain't!"  
"This is Bakura," Joey/Bakura replied politely. "So...who is this?"  
"Rebecca," the loud reply came. "Rebecca Hawkins,"  
A soft gasp of "Oh my god..." went through the group.  
"Rebecca's from America!" said Kaiba/Tea. "The spell reached all the way to there?"  
"I...I suppose so..." said Ishizu. "This is seriously...way...out of hand."  
"Put me on speaker," Rebecca demanded. Joey/Bakura complied by pressing the button on the phone.  
"Okay, can anyone fill me in on what's going on?" said Bakura/Rebecca, his loud voice rather strange-sounding without the soft accent.  
"There's been a mistake, I'm afraid," said Solomon/Ishizu. "You don't know who I am, but my brother Marik put a spell on us that switched our bodies,"  
"Hmm...that kind of explains it..." he sighed. "Oh, nevermind. I'll be over in a minute. You're at Joey's house, right?"  
"Um...yeah..." Mokuba/Joey replied.  
"Okay. See you then."  
Instantly, the line went dead.  
"She's rather straightforward, isn't she?" said Duke/Serenity cheerfully.  
"Shaddap, Duke..." Mokuba/Joey grumbled.  
"But...but, brother..." Duke/Serenity replied, rather hurt. Instantly, Mokuba/Joey regretted it.  
"Oh! I'm sorry, Serenity! I...l just thought"  
"That's okay, brother," he replied, smiling. "I knew you didn't mean it!"  
"Idiots..." Yugi/Kaiba sighed.

-/-

A bit later, Bakura/Rebecca was at the front door, knocking loudly and demanding entrance. When he was finally in, he sat down at the table."Okay, first of all," he said. "I don't need to know who's who; that's not really important right now. Does anyone have a phone around here?"  
"It's over there on the back wall," Kaiba/Tea said helpfully.  
"Okay, hold on a bit," Bakura/Rebecca said, making his way towards it and dialing. "I think you'll want this on speakerphone,"  
Somebody picked up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hello, grandpa?" Bakura/Rebecca said. "Am I not behaving myself lately?"  
"Oh, Rebecca, is that you?" said Arthur. "Finally! I was worried!"  
"Who's in my body, grampa?" Bakura/Rebecca said firmly. "Have they told you yet?"  
"No, not yet. I'll go get them on the phone,"  
Not suprisingly, just about everyone in the room was confused.  
There was a bit of struggling and a loud yelp with sounds of a tiny fight, before Rebecca's voice took the phone.  
"Okay, I need some answers NOW!" she said. "Why in all things do I wake up in America as a girl that's at least HALF as old as I am, and twice as short! Heads are gonna ROLL if I don't get an explanation soon!"  
"Mai? Is that you?" Mokuba/Joey said, leaning towards the phone.  
"Yeah, it's me," she replied. "Who's this?"  
"Holy crap!" Mokuba/Joey said. "It's me, Joey! Mai, you ain't alone!"  
Yugi/Kaiba sighed. "Oh, brother..."  
"Listen to me, Mai," Solomon/Ishizu said, pushing Mokuba/Joey aside. "Marik accidentally cast a spell that switched all our bodies, an..."  
"MARIK?" Rebecca/Mai shrieked. "Oh no, oh no, don't even MENTION his name to me EVER AGAIN!"  
With that, the phone made a sound, indicating that it had been dropped on the floor.  
"Sorry about that!" Arthur said. "Did you say Marik did this to you? He's one of the tomb guardians, correct?"  
"Uh-huh..." Serenity/Marik said.  
"Well! How about you get on a plane to Egypt right now!"  
"What?"  
"Well, unless you haven't found yourselves yet. I'm perfectly fine, myself."  
"Serious?" Duke/Serenity said. "Why didn't it affect you?"  
"The spell?" said Arthur. "To be honest, I have no clue. The only way we can find out is to look at the spell itself. Do you suppose you can get a flight to Cairo?"  
"Of course," Yugi/Kaiba said.  
"Then meet us there immediately."  
The line hung up.  
"That was...sudden..." Solomon/Ishizu said, looking a bit dazed.  
"Ah, that's just my grandfather," Bakura/Rebecca replied. "He can be a bit pushy."  
Suddenly, he looked enraged.  
"Oh, so you're calling ME pushy, mister? Well, I'll tell you something! I haven't had a moment's peace since I ended up like this, all because YOU!"  
At that moment, a single thought ran through just about everyone's mind.  
"WHO THE HECK IS SHE TALKING TO?"  
"I told you to go away while we were here, and I meant it! Do you want me to start reciting the dictionary again?"  
He paused with a smirk.  
"I though so. Now, go away, or I'll start again, got that?"  
Another pause.  
"Ah, much better," he said, smiling.  
"Rebecca...who was THAT?" Kaiba/Tea asked, looking extremely confused.  
"There's this ANNOYING voice in my head," she sighed. "I think it comes with this body or something, but he just WON'T SHUT UP! So I start rambling off from the dictionary, and he just can't STAND it!"  
'Yami Bakura?' said Yami.  
"Uhh...I know how you feel..." Yugi/Kaiba sighed, ignoring Yami. "No wonder Yugi's so weird; he has to put up with THIS every single day."  
'If you hate it so much, why don't you just take the Milennium Puzzle off?' said the voice.  
"I guess I will," Yugi/Kaiba said, smirking. 'I coulda thought of that...' he thought.  
'No you couldn't' said the voice, as he took off the pendant.  
"Ah, no more Pharaoh to bother me," he sighed.  
'NOPE!' Yami chuckled. 'Sorry, Kaiba, we're linked!'  
"DAHHH!" Kaiba screamed. Yami burst out with laughter.  
'Oh, this is just too good. You should have seen it when I first started sharing Yugi's body!'  
"What in the world are you doing, Kaiba?" Mokuba/Joey said, watching Yugi/Kaiba convulse and pull at his spikey hair.  
"Shh, don't say anything," Kaiba/Tea giggled. "I think it's kinda fun watching him go insane."  
"Y'know, you're kinda right," Bakura/Rebecca said, leaning back to watch the fun.  
One by one, they watched Yugi/Kaiba argue with himself, not saying a word and laughing their heads off in their minds. And for once, Bakura/Rebecca didn't object to having Yami Bakura join her in the fun.


End file.
